Thursday, February 22, 2018

Growing in Anger

For the 3rd year in a row, Kiana advanced to the regional science fair. This year's experiment tilted nurture or nature was about whether talking to plants in different tons affected their growth. The experiment title was intriguing enough cause she's such a great kid, I often joke about that I feel bad for whoever took mine home. But she tested whether talking in a happy tone, an angry tone, a neutral tone, or no talking would cause the best growth. They were all in the same light and room other than when she took them out to talk to them each day. I suppose like all of us who think the pursuit of happiness is the key to life would hope it was that positive tone that created the most growth. But it wasn't, it was the angry tone. They did matter, however, as the plant that didn't get talked to was the one that grew the least.

Kiana tried to theorize why the angry plant grew the most, perhaps it was because you speak louder when you're angry and more CO2 gets emitted. Still, Kiana is smart enough and scientific enough to do her experiment but realize a single data point is an anecdote so she researched more and while it has not been fully nailed down this experiment has been done with full green houses where they've done two with positive, two with negative, two with music and one without. In that experiment, the tones actually did not change but the one without sound once again grew the least. The one that grew the most was the one with music, seems right to me but maybe that's because everyone in my family seems to like to sing and dance, loudest in the shower it seems.

She'll present at the regional fair Saturday and we'll see how it goes. But it reminded me of times when I kept getting faster and faster on running. At least as an adult, it seems to be when I'm angriest at the circumstances of my life. I am not the type of person who thinks that we should try to get rid of anger or sadness or really any emotion. They are in the system for a reason and all of them should be channeled appropriately. I often wonder if the reason cancer hasn't killed me yet is that simple fight or flight survival mechanism. In the entire planet, most everyone who can outrun me, I could beat them in a fight and most everyone who could beat me in a fight, I can outrun them. Cancer took on a guy with great survival instincts and capacity and at least today, at least today, I am still winning.

I have a speech in a couple of hours at an event called Testify:Austin. It was actually an event where I heard Elaine speak a few years ago and the story she told there was probably the beginning of me realizing that we had potential. The theme is racy and most of the story tellers will be telling stories that rhyme more along with that while I was asked to share the story of when I put off brain surgery to run a marathon, no more, no less. There's no won a marathon down the line, just a self contained so I'll get to tell it with more details and more self reflection. They made us practice it in front of the producers and they gave feedback. The producer suggested I be a little more honest with the emotions I was feeling at the time. She says this to a guy who deals with his emotions so well that he hides them in a public blog! She messed with me enough to where I went back and re-read my first neuropsychological evaluation report which says that my "self-perception may actually represent utilization of denial as a psychological defense against anxiety." I'm telling a few parts of the story but sharing the line that I said on my goodbye tour as I finished dinners with old friends before brain surgery, "The guy going in may not be the same ones coming out; but this one loves you guys." Everyone then heard the affection and I meant that but it was as close as I came to acknowledging that I was very afraid that the guy going into brain surgery and the guy coming out of brain surgery were going to be strangers.

The running I was doing then was therapy; it was channeling the anger. It was why I qualified for Boston that day. I ran the Austin marathon Sunday and the weather wasn't great but you know what it wasn't great back in 2011 in either. But I'm just not angry and for better or worse, I don't channel happiness into better running. I loved running with a friend for a good section; it's the happiest I've ever been during a race. People always say they wave at me or cheer at me but I'm there with those angry songs (listen up, listen up there's a devil in the church... this is gonna hurt) looking intense and don't see them. This was the most signs I've ever seen, the most people I've ever waved at, the most happy I've been during a race. Someone who saw me with about a half mile to go genuinely expressed shock as they cheered for me and said..."you're smiling?"

Was it a mistake to run happy? I don't know but I don't think so. It certainly didn't lead to anywhere near my fastest marathon. I think I'll find the edge again and properly train but once my friend and I were running together the song that came on was "Despacito." While it's good to dance to and fun to run to, it means go slow. Usually I create playlists for races but I didn't for this one, I just put the ones on that I'm hoping the band or DJ plays at Elaine and I's wedding and I'm never in a rush to get off the dance floor and so I was singing and dancing for the second half of the Austin marathon, thinking about a cute girl, hoping I wasn't two stepping so slow that she would pass me... We've done a couple of marathons together where we caught up afterwards but on this one, I stayed at the finish line for a while until she finished and medalled her. This marathon was about looking forward to things with her. I planted a big kiss after cause I gotta start practicing for when they say you may now kiss the bride.

I'm not saying happiness isn't driving some growth in me. There have been many areas in my life that are growing again for the first time (though if you look carefully at those pics of me without the shirt, the happiness with Elaine and Kiana's good cooking may be the waistline). And I'm not saying there aren't things I'm angry. I went from finishing the marathon to visiting a friend from the Brainpower 5k who is now in hospice and has very little time left with the same disease. I was actually supposed to push her for this race like I did for that one and there were many times I thought of her. She got hugged a little tighter with my stinky self when I went by after the race. That anger has and will be aimed at being part of taking on cancer defeating efforts on a more global scale.

But the happiness is feeding good things. I'm trusting both Elaine and myself more...I think those are correlated. Some of the other things from my neuropsychological evaluation, the deficits are still there but I'm learning to cope with them, to work around them. I'm actually on quite a streak these days of hitting some high scores in brain rehab games that I hadn't hit in literally years.

I am hoping life keeps letting those parts of my brain grow. I am going to keep letting some fears go because as I heard recently there's no real point in tip toeing through life to arrive safely at death. And like sadness or anger, there's times I'll let those grow to and like happiness just try to channel them appropriately. And I dare dream, I dare hope, I dare believe and love that no matter which of those emotions I allow to driving growth it will be what prevents and deters this tumor from growing.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Too Early In the Race

A week ago Kiana was racing her first race of 2018. While she had done other races including a 10 miler since then she had not done a 5k in 5 months. It was a small 5k and we went out there hoping to beat her previous PR of 23:00 with me hoping she'd get close to 22 but these days she has her own watch so I don't even turn mine on and she sets her own pace and well, I'm just running with good company.  Somehow, a little under halfway in an out back she was in 2nd place over all, 1st female. I turned to her and said you know if you keep this up, you might be the women's winner. Adding to the list of moments where it's a fair question of whose raising who, she turned to me and said, "Dad, it's too early in the race to be thinking that way."

She however started slowly speeding up and would end up holding that 2nd place overall and 1st female and hitting a PR of 21:37, taking off more time than frankly I imagined possible. As she out kicked me crossed the finish line, it was only a few steps beyond it where for the 1st time in any race she collapsed into my arms, clearly having left it all out there.  It was a valentine's themed race, Cupid's Chase where single people and unavailable people got different shirts but at least at this point, running with me is still her favorite guy. She would actually have a fever the next day and miss school for the 1st time in yers so I wondered (and felt guilty) if the illness had started or been contributed to by that 5k. She took it in stride. She's got a new training schedule starting next week based on her new time and it's going to be harder but she's not hesitant.

I, on the other hand, am a little more nervous. I am running the Austin Marathon tomorrow morning. It is momentous for many reasons to me. It's home... It was the first marathon that I completed and a year later it was the one that I would put off brain surgery for, the one I would first qualify for Boston wondering then if it would be my last. Because it was sponsored by Livestrong for the next two years, it was one in which on the 3rd and 4th tries at it, I won the Cancer Survivor's division in... something I'm still not sure I've appreciated or let sink in appropriately. The next year Kiana was with me and it would be the 1st time I'd skip it to run with Kiana, her first timed race and her first 5k (in case you're wondering, she has taken more time off her 5k than I have of my marathon). But tomorrow, for the 1st time in 5 years, I am back on the course.

It's an emotional thing for a variety of reasons. For better or worse, it's actually the 1st time I've signed up for a marathon since I won the Gusher Marathon with Kiana in a stroller. I've ran several by invites and loved it but somehow at the gut level since I give speeches and there's articles etc, I hadn't been able to just totally sign up for one. I put off brain cancer surgery to run a marathon, but winning one with cancer made me the cancer guy who runs marathons... it took 5 years for me to do it on my own. I kept running tons of other distances but the marathon... it took me a while. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm still running plenty. 2017 was the highest mileage year of my life and also the 1st one I didn't do a marathon. I signed up late in the game, and while I've been running a lot I haven't been training (as in the watch doesn't come on at the track or on tempo runs), I just get out there for the run of it. I get nervous that when I was going to consciously amp up my mileage in January I had a cough and didn't do as much mileage as I liked. None of those are excuses just for the record... I just don't know what kind of shape I'm in (except for round, round is a shape).

The guy I run the most with, my good friend Chris McClung is going to run the 1st half with me. I've told him I'll do it like I do all of our regular runs where I'm not looking at the watch or the mileage, just running next to him. I'm guessing like all good friends do he'll make his pace be one that makes me less conversational than our usual runs. I also know that once a bib is on me, I can't possibly pretend like I don't care about where I stand in the race so maybe once he fades, a competitive spirit will kick in. Okay so that's not a maybe. But I'm having some fun with it. While he and I are both Cowboys fans, he heckles me over wearing jerseys because it's weird to wear some other dude's name on your back. So I wrote his name on the back of the shirt I'm starting with a shirt that has his name on it. Elaine might have digitally altered it to show which team she knows I really belong on.

But the shirt actually is significance that I'm trying to make insignificant. It is literally the shirt that I was wearing when I won the Gusher Marathon. It's sat in a closet forever, too worn to keep using. It is and likely will always be the shirt I will be seen in the most ever since that win got a lot of media coverage. But the reason I'm wearing it tomorrow is because one it gets a little too sweaty, it's time to discard it and toss it to the side to be picked up and thrown away by whoever does that at races. I've long said I'm not sure if I'm running to or from something; I'm not sure I'm any closer to figuring that out. Tomorrow however, I am absolutely running from that I am the guy running marathons to get away from cancer, I am running marathons because I am me, the guy who put marathons before he had cancer and when he had cancer he put marathons before it's treatment. Marathons are back to being ahead of cancer forever and that shirt and any idea that competes with that will lay by the wayside.

Appropriately enough part of the reason I signed up is because the course has changed. There have been people who think the course is tougher (I concur) so that's why I signed up because as I've long said if you sign up for hard things in life, the ones you don't sign up for, are a little easier. Still, the changes feel so interesting. The last time I ran the course it was just emotionally draining because it passed by too many tough places, the job that fired me, the place that I had my first seizure treatment for, a courthouse that there's been too many legal places on, the medical establishment area that I had and have way too many treatments at. Only two of those still remain and they are the two earliest and they are both within the 1st three miles... Early on and moving on. So maybe the course isn't tougher after all.

We had a Valentine's themed run earlier this week and I said that my first marathon run I did on Valentine's Day but we didn't do a single training run together, we didn't run it together, no wonder we broke up. I've learned my lesson and proposed at the beginning of a race to Elaine. We're riding together tomorrow. We aren't running together (unless I have a really bad race I should come in ahead of her) but we've done several runs together and we'll be there for each other. We have done several races and have other ones planned but we enjoyed a good dinner last night and tonight we're headed to catch a movie together to get off our feet. Appropriately enough, not too long past the finish line will be the Paramount Theater, the place of our 1st date. The Save the Dates went earlier this week so believe you me, I'll be looking forward well past the finish line of tomorrow's race.

Anyway, I've got a hot date here in a bit and nerves that I'll try to dismiss to try to get some sleep.
Let's see what happens. While I'm always shooting for my best time, I can't guarantee I'll get it but I promise, if and when I get to the finish line, I'll be smiling to still be at home enjoying my life for the entire run of it. 

Saturday, January 27, 2018

The Judgement of Solomon

A few years ago, there were multiple blog entries here about an ongoing custody case in which Kiana's mother was asking for emergency custodial changes due to a seizure I had in the middle of the run. It would change where Kiana spends the vast majority of her nights in this house,one  I purchased a month before her birth, that. reality was true both then and now. The legal petition then was that I get two hours of supervised visits because as her attorney stated at the time, it wasn't that I was a bad father, it just wasn't safe with my health condition.

Multiple hearings would take place, a couple of mediations and a lot of failures. It resulted in little more than me having to say I'd sign over access to my medical records which was fine since I'm not exactly secretive about it. It helped that in the middle of that was when I won a marathon pushing a stroller and literally my doctors would not only write letters for court but be interviewed for international media of all sorts, how's that for going on the record?

That was shortly before Kiana started 1st grade that it was finalized and now we're getting closer to her entering junior high school and we are again in a custodial legal setting pending. I am doing it pro se, fancy words for being your own laywer, perhaps closely sticking to the adage of Abraham Lincoln that he who represents himself has a fool for a client. That's easier to absorb in that I honestly believe and hope I'm representing exactly what the legal paperwork says, the best interests of Kiana.

Let me be clear, I absolutely consider the my divorce from Kiana's mother the biggest failure of my life. There isn't even a close second and I hope there never will be nor anything that passes it. Kiana's mother I mostly consider a stranger since we've spoken so little since she left; her need to disconnect continues. Still my memories of her when were together are fond ones. Kiana's mother was impressive by any standard. She did things that are rarely done in the modern age like nurse till Kiana was almost 2. With a master's degree, she found an amazing middle ground when it was time to return to work, returning to Kiana's daycare where Kiana was not being taken care of by someone else literally a moment longer than she had to and always in the same building. We were in our late 20's, all but kids ourselves. And we'd both been smart kids in high school and college, perhaps leading at least me to a hubris that cancer would shake: to be able to acknowledge outside help is necessary.

It was around that time that she had returned to 'regular work' that I got diagnosed with cancer. Perhaps with my emotional mishandling of the awareness of my mortality and the bills that came with it, perhaps compound interest of things of marital mistakes created or showed cracks, it was literally a couple of weeks after brain surgery that she left. That's all written down here back in real time. It was a tough time. Surprising me, she would sign away primary custody and I had to learn to be a dad in a way I'd never planned, single. It's turned into an amazing and wonderful experience. I still have never understood why that happened. Walking away from me is something I can easily imagine; heck I want to do it sometime. Was it a need to escape, to do her youth more 'properly, to more fully disconnect from the marriage? She would miss her first mother's day weekend and her first extended visit Kiana would get left at grandma's so it would be a while before her mother would have an extended connection, that facing of reality.

There have been a variety of theories thrown out by friends and family as to that custody case and the current one going on. It could be many things but I think it really is one thing, Kiana's mom realizes that no matter what there was about us, walking away from Kiana and missing her from day to day has to be ridiculously hard to absorb; both five years ago and now as I imagine it, let's just say I've gone to bed with less ability to go to sleep calmly than usual if I were in her shoes. Both then and now, cancer is less stressful than that idea. People refer to either as custody battles; I've never one thought of it that way if for no other reason than I refuse to see my child's mother as an enemy, or even an opponent, a basic prerequisite for seeing things as a battle. I see as two perspectives that are so far from aligning that they've resorted to something that can easily be seen as absurd, a stranger listening to you for a bit and then making life decisions for you and your child.

How will it go? I don't know. There have been people who have suggested trying to work things out and of course I have. We tried a mediation that didn't get the job done (the same was true of two previous mediations 5 years ago). I offered extra time during non school times but that wasn't accepted. Some have called me stubborn or selfish for not being more flexible during school times but it's just logistics of two parents living 20 miles apart and routine is a good thing for most of us and certainly for a child who has homework and projects etc etc etc.  Others have tried to get me to have Kiana weigh in but is it not incredibly mean to ask a child to decide between her parents and how many 11 year olds really know what's best for them?

I keep thinking about the story of the judgement of Solomon from the Old Testament. Its two mothers with a baby child in a shared household who one rolled over their baby in their sleep. They go to him both claiming the live baby and that the passed away one is the other's. Solomon's edict is to cut the live baby in half and give half to both of them. The real mother says no give the baby to her while the other mother says fine. Solomon's wisdom guides him to give the baby to the woman who'd rather give him up.

I have no idea what will happen on March 5th if we don't settle it between us before then. But I do honestly think that between being stuck in the middle of a back and forth, it would be better for Kiana to go live in a place I mostly think of her as a visitor at (she visits there often enough I imagine she's got a softer stance on it). Of course on a scale of 1 to 10 that's a 2 and her staying where she has managed to keeps straight A's and perfect attendance is an 8. Her parents figuring out after 7 years apart how to communicate better is a 10 to the infinite power. That's the argument I'll make if necessary and we'll see how a stranger endowed with legal authority weighs in.

I believe I can make the case that I should continue to be the primary caretaker of Kiana but nightmares of things like Kramer vs Kramer sneak literally into my nightmares. But if it goes from where it is now to where I become a visitor, I'll keep doing my best at being Kiana's father from that place. I hope somewhere else the judgment of Solomon comes true that if you train up a child in the way they should go, they won't depart from it.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Junkyard dog

I've picked up many nicknames in my life. Very few have I actually ever embraced since well I actually like my name when people pronounce it right. But there are a few nicknames I like, the latest one started a couple of months ago, junkyard dog. It was at a race where 4 of us were in contention for a bit but most of the second half it was two guys vying for the win and me and another vying for the 3rd. It was an 8k race and I would do a closing 5:30 mile for last one, passing him up going up hill. That was the friend who would describe me a later as a junk yard dog that can't be shaken... Well I was stirred enough to take home the bronze that day.

I really love the nickname though. I got interviewed for the Underdog Podcast this week (the last few interviews have all been podcasts when they finally realized my face was built for radio) and at the end one of the questions they ask if what makes you an underdog and I said no I'm a junkyard dog, chasing you down or in that case up a hill for the best place I could get. Heck, I like the term junkyard sog so much I think Elaine's might let me dance with her to "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" at some point during the reception.

I grew up on streets in Mexico where dogs run free. Heck I grew up in a town that has the same name as a dog, Chihuahua. (When I hopped over to the US at age 8, it was a frog's name, Kermit). No they didn't walk free, they ran free. The fenced in ones where the ones there to protect homes because it didn't mean matter how much you owned we all had covered windows and glass and spikes on fences. I can think of no one who had fancy stuff but we knew what to value. In a time where much of my family was trying to come to the US, the land of opportunity, I was happy chasing cans and then walking backward to play hide and side. I was happy where we all grabbed each other by the arm and kept growing and created a human chain that moved faster and faster and more dangerous for whoever was on the end... maybe one of those times I flew off the end and landed a rock is what damaged my brain earlier on. There was the special treat of Mexican coke once in a while and my toys were nails on a board with rubber bands to make shapes. I loved helping clean so much I wanted to grow up to be a janitor... maybe someday I'll day still pull it off. When my mom tried to send me with one of my uncles I screamed and cried and yelled and he wouldn't take me in that condition. There's a reason my older brother was here before me.

But I came to this great country where they recognized I had academic potential and once I learned the language, I was a GT student, then valedictorian. Even then in high school, never having lived in a city that had a college, I thought maybe I was supposed to go work in the oil field like much of my family but some people encouraged me to go to school and the librarian and her husband who I had worked for flew me out to Napa Valley where I went to school at Pacific Union College. Two degrees suma cum laude with honors with many trips San Francisco nearby, an internship in LA and a class in London had opened up my worldview to realize that the world was a little bigger than Mexico and small town Texas. I'm not sure which one had me barking more.

I've been all 8 of the World Wonders since and loved it, absolutely loved it. But I pushed the envelope at well really all of them in one way or another. But I loved the ancient history and stories but this kid who was supposed to be a janitor... everytime I've been in those places, I've gone and walked around. Somehow smoking hookah in Egypt, that messy neighborhood in Brazil, the east industrialized side of Austin, the poorer side of Calcutta, this junkyard dog felt a little more at home than he does in fancy places. I am aware I write this with some cognitive dissonance with the wine fridge in view with some leftover champagne from New Year's (if someone's asking well is it French champagne and I am condescendingly thinking if it's not French, it's not champagne). I romanticize running on dirt streets with sandals or cheap shoes which would lead to getting spanked in the hall for running in 3rd grade and then track teams and cross country teams and races and headlines. But then again that came where I met my fiancee, the child of immigrants from Taiwan who went to some prime schools her entire academic career. I've wondered why we work but part of the attraction is that back when we were friends as we went out to eat she made fun of someone eating chicken wings with utensils saying that's part of the fun part of eating chicken wings, the primal feeling of eating it with your hands. It's that she invited me to my first trail race where I had to run through a lake about the time I'd usually start kicking cause the distance till the finish line wasn't far. It was that she trained for Spartans and the technical parts but also that we jumped with pleasure in the mud and cold water. It's a guy who was raised and wants to hold on to her primal still settling the sophisticated things that he's learned in love with a girl who was raised sophisticated and still finding the primal things she's learned. This may be reflected in the venue that she picked out for our wedding, a Wildflower Center. She picked it out because it wasn't a venue created for weddings, it was a venue created to protect wildflowers, to somehow channel something that naturally occurs. We've communicated that theme to the photographers, we aren't posing for you, whatever you get, you get. That goes for you coming to the wedding too, we want to interact with our guests not pose with them! I am guessing we'll also feed each other desserts with our bare hands.

I raise a little girl who has had straight A's and perfect attendance for several semesters now. She's picked for a few academic things here and there but she still wants to splash in puddles when it rains. We're headed to Utah this weekend where I'll ski for the first time since college which will still be less than a handful of times. It will be her first time but I bet you money I get snowballs thrown at me whether or not I'm paying attention. She climbs trees and jumps off rocks and still spends an absurd amount of time on her outfits and hairstyling. She wants to pick raw berries but at 10 years old asks for a pasta maker for Christmas. She's got the balance better than anyone I know and I hope she holds onto it but... of course that's her choice. She's absolutely a different child than I was, there are times I joke about how we should trade childhoods. But I think she's shaped and raised me. It's funny, while I was eligible for citizenship for years, I never took it primarily because the oath, as it should, requires you to stay "that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign" place. I say what I mean and I mean what I say so I wasn't ready to give up the memory of Mexico or the desire to return to it... until my child was born and if my kid was an American there wasn't any place that I'd return to so I became one too.

I have a dog who in about a month will be 14 years old. I've had her since she was born. She was a stray when I was volunteering as a teacher in the Marshall Islands. I brought her back with me, two third World Immigrants enjoying life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. In the Marshall Islands, dogs are also more protectors than traditional pets but on campus we had a female dog that was impregnated and people only took the male newborns (those bitches aren't valued the same as the male dogs). There's no such thing as proper pet food so the dogs eat scraps and since the most common meals there are chicken and rice and fish and rice, they eat those bones that here we warn are so dangerous for pets. To this day, when there is chicken at the house, Puppy gets some of those bones. (She was named puppy cause I kept trying to figure out how to get that Puppy away from my house... I'd say that didn't work out so well except the way it worked out was exactly how it should be). Every time one of my sophisticated friends gives me a hard time when they see me giving her bones, I remind them of her age and that it's gotten her here much longer than most dogs live period. Heck these days I even remind them that after I got cancer I ate dessert more... Life's too short in my book to only eat healthy. Maybe, just maybe, that's why we're both okay. I moved out of my parents home when I was 14 so if she makes it and I see no reason why she wouldn't, she will be who I have lived with longer than anyone in my entire life. Even now she tries to get out without a leash to explore. She'd be gone for a long time when she pulled it off younger. Now it's a little short but then or now, she'd always make it home. Maybe it's a couple of junkyard dogs that found home with each other but know that opening it to these two ladies has made it even better.

Every year I make 8 New Year's resolutions. Most years they're very random, with little association to each each. Some years a few rhyme and this year is one of them where most, not all, but most are just about focusing on guarding the right junk. So there are people who've wondered why I've taken some of the opportunities I've taken and passed up some of the ones I've passed up... maybe some will argue this junkyard dog don't know no better. Maybe but just maybe we know how to keep chasing when needed, to protect what we know is valuable which we call home and where we see friends, strangers, passers by. Even if most people view it as heaps of garbage, we are guarding something that some some of us realize is forgotten treasures.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Hope is Hard To Resist

For the last few years, one of our holiday traditions, sending out cards, has become more of a Thanksgiving one than a Christmas one. This is mostly due to that I've helped organize a race that is shortly after Thanksgiving so it takes up too much of early December. It's become problematic to pick out the pictures that highlight the best times of the year because every year keeps having so many. As problems go, keep signing me up for that one. (By the way if somehow you didn't get one and should have email me your address because while I think I remembered everyone they say I may have a damaged brain that causes memory issues).

The pictures that were chosen this year for it were from our trip to China standing on that Great Wall, Kiana being Alice in her summer acting camp at Alice in Wonderland, a shot from our trip to Alaska in which we trekked through some mud during low tide on the beach, Kiana nearing the finish line on her first triathlon and me dropping down on one knee and asking Elaine for the chance to spend the rest of our lives, with a ring that had hope on it. Our card has a caption that like every Christmas card for the last several years has been a quote from Doctor Who: That's the trouble with hope, it's hard to resist. (Speaking of that ring of hope, it got a little more solid a few days ago).

Still, an even harder tradition came up recently.
Every year we hang up an ornament representing the best part of life. Some of those have been easy like Kiana's birth. Some of those have been cheating like one year where I traveled so much and couldn't pick one I put up a plane ornament. This year as we were discussing between the three of us what to put up a few things came up. All of the things came up that were on this year's holiday card. The remodeling elements of the house came up too since it feels so new with some paint and well some major touch ups besides that. Oddly enough I imagine that  the paint we will enjoy the most is the chalkboard wall one that is in the garage. All 3 of us already took a shot at it last night before the ornament. With Kiana painting a cool owl, Elaine painting a lion and me doing a Chinese symbol that will go on the wedding invites. The remodeling was interesting because every room in the house got repainted and a lot of work got done in other places so it feels like a new home but that one didn't fly. Even Elaine moving in was thought of as she became an official part of the household. The races were considered but medals have been on there before and it seems like a continuum. In simply honesty, the engagement wasn't really even considered. It's not that our engagement isn't important to all of us. Heck we've already done enough fun wedding preparation that I wish it was tomorrow for many reasons. But an engagement is a promise to get married and well making a promise is never the more important part, keeping it is. That promise gets fulfilled at the wedding. Still, I think marriage itself is a promise and that gets fulfilled with I hope a long fulfilling happy path but a heartbreaking ending when somebody passes away. With all that said, I imagine what next year's ornament is representing has already been decided.

Ultimately, the decision was a little thing we picked up in China when we were checking out where they made jade. It wasn't simply representing the Great Wall but the entirety of the trip. That wonder is important as it got me around to the last World Wonder while Kiana got to her first one and crossed the ocean blue for the first time. We all ran and cycled together in China. This was just a couple of week before Elaine moved in but I think it represented that merging of things. In fact when I was considering it, I ran with my friend Sean and he essentially said that her moving in was me marrying her with the way I approach life. The truth is that I'd been thinking about it then too so maybe so. It represented going into the country where her parents are immigrants of and the first time we'd taken a big trip to somewhere Elaine had been to before that I hadn't. It was a simple jade ornament over a grand event. It hangs between a brighter Santa one and gigantic one from Costco where its amazing origins and story would be invisible to anyone who doesn't know and that's quite okay.  It is, I hope, the only way any of the 3 of us will ever be 'jaded' about Christmas.

It was a simple ceremony, a simple ornament which we finished the evening with listening to some music from Pentatonix, hot chocolate and the fire place lit up on a cold rainy December night. The first song we listened to the carol of the bells and I think that at least for one evening celebrating many good things represented in one ornament we listened to those sweet silver bells and all they had to say and we threw our cares away.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Everybody Knows

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed

When I step in to get MRI results from my doctor, I am nervous. There are people who ask why... both people who have experienced the cancer world and people who haven't so it's not a naive approach (or maybe it is though which one is more naive would be a fair question). And while I've been probably properly accused of being arrogant more than a few times in my life, the one thing I avoid is hubris, try to avoid challenging whatever God rules the universe and somehow, somehow walking into an MRI results appointment assuming it's all going to be okay, seems like hubris encapsulated.

There are a couple of reasons for this, when you're waiting in a cancer waiting room by definition everyone in the room is sick or at least is there for an illness. Sometimes the wait is short sometimes it's quite long but either way I guess that's what you're supposed to do... after all it's called the waiting room. In Austin where we don't experience much cold weather, we had snow between the MRI and the results. It led to school being cancelled and my medical appointment being delayed for a couple of hours, longer than a half marathon takes me so it's forever. The waiting room included snow and was outside for a bit and at least Kiana enjoyed being an angel in it. In the modern age where people are telling me they're praying for me I'm not sure what to this day I've refused to pray for anyone with me to beat cancer when they mean not die from it because to me beating it is dealing with it right. But when they ask me if I believe in angels, of course I do, one lives in my house.

But as you walk into the Austin Cancer Center with your daughter and your fiancee for the first time, you realize the wedding formalities and ceremonies may be about 8 months away but you're already family even if you haven't figured out all the details. Kiana sat in the waiting room and said the pictures are the same. I had no clue what she was talking about and my mind was trying to make sure she wasn't 'doing hubris.' How could she possibly know the pictures are the same? We hadn't even seen the MRI images yet! Plus unlike I did for a few years where I'd take a copy home, I haven't done that for a couple of years since it only took me half a decade to realize I couldn't read them and sitting there trying to figure out myself served literally no purpose than to feed anxiety. But she kept insisting and I finally listened and she pointed out that there were painting prints on opposite walls where on one wall they were just sideways of what they were from the other side. I took pictures and rotated them to confirm but she was right. I honestly couldn't remember if I'd ever noticed the pictures before much less that they were the same but she noticed it on her first visit at this office. Was this some rorsarch test or lazy decorating? She'd said it so loudly that a couple of the other people in the waiting room looked up, one smiled at us, the other looked annoyed at us.

I sat there and thought and worried and was nervous. I thought of some 'cancer' siblings. I have a friends all over the country that have brain cancer, some the same and some different but 7 of us always have our MRI's and results within a few days of each other. Five of the sevens of us have had their tumor regrow since I met them. At the one in June two of them ended up having their tumor grow after years of silence... coincidentally it was two of the other three who had ever ran a marathon both of which I met through running after cancer so there were two things to bond over. But it also shows that well... long distance running didn't make you immune from regrowth but even though they've been doing treatment they are both still standing and running. One of those cancer siblings who also knows a few people in the community where we have overlapping MRI's said that she almost feels like that if you think about the statistics that if she's honest when she thinks about us and the results that it feels like Russian roulette. Russia is just getting such a bad rap on so many levels this day. Everybody knows in that room and community that not everyone wins against cancer and since I've chosen to be part of this community I've been to too many hospices and funerals. Everybody knows that the dice are loaded and so we keep rolling with our fingers crossed because we know some good guys have lost.

Shortly after that we got called in and after weight and blood pressure, I got to see my doctor where said as he always does immediately the results (that everything was exactly the same!). Last two times there was a millimeter of difference but nothing I should worry about (and I worried so little about it that I wondered why he mentioned it and have blogged about it now 3 times...). We went over history, a form that he'd gotten from my insurance and some of the piss poor side effect things that I'd gone to see an internal medicine doctor and then a urologist for and I may still have to see an endocrinologist for. But I told him I'd recently pr'ed in a race for the first time in almost a year and a half and he said it gave old men like him hope that I still had something in the tank. He said it may be long enough to where I need to do another neuropsychological, that 8 hour test that is somehow fun, intriguing, scary and awkward all at the same time. He brought up some medical records that are shared for custodial purposes. Elaine and Kiana stepped out of the room for that part since I figured that's best without Kiana in the room. When that was covered he actually asked again about some of the medication we tried recently and he said he meant to ask but didn't want to do it in front of my daughter if I'd had erection problems which is a possible side effect. I answered in the negative but somehow missed the opportunity to make joke that maybe he should have asked my fiancee... He once again brought up the 10 year mark and that if we got there we'd go to one MRI a year and that I'm on my way to 8 years and that he honestly thinks if I make 10 years I'll make it. It's only the 2nd time he's ever said anything like that... It somehow made the wedding a happier occasion to look forward to.

For the first time in forever, he didn't show me the MRI pictures and compare them to the previous one. Not sure why but I honestly notice but the image I walked out of the appointment with was Kiana's idea of the picture being the same but a different angle. What's disturbing my brain hasn't changed... I'm just learning to view it from a perspective that's shared with people I love a little more, only a little but if nothing else is progress, as soon as I set the appointment for the next visit I invited Elaine and she put it on her calendar. She's the only one that gets that save the date.

The weekend went well after that. We put on the Decker Challenge half marathon that working on for ARC is what got us to date. It was my first half marathon, it was my first one after finding out I had cancer, one I reference in speeches for giving me bib 911, voiding the need to put the emergency number on the back. It is my fastest half marathon period and my fastest one ever with a stroller. For better or worse, it was the first place I said I love you  to Elaine about 15 months after our first date. It took me longer to say I love you from our first date than it took me to propose but if nothing else it shows that I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I snuck into the 5k and took home the win. It's a finish line I've crossed every time since my initial run of it. And it's still getting better each time.

There are things everybody knows but sometimes we live in denial of, refusing to accept our mortality or our 100% probability of death. I don't want to live that way or with hubris. But everybody who knows me also knows that from every angle even if its not inherently obvious,  I will always see the future with hope.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Dream In The Dark For the Most Part

'We dream of a brand new start
But we dream in the dark for the most part
Dark as a tomb where it happens'

There are things that happen regularly in life and yet we never quite accept them as normal. Perhaps highest on the list for most people we know is death. In the circles that have come into my life that far too often comes prefaced with a cancer diagnosis. That of course comes with biopsies and blood works. Today was one of those normal abnormal mornings for me. I just left the MRI but I changed some of the chords on the way I usually sing the song. The most atypical bit is I had someone else there, good support back up if you will as I took Elaine with me. This wasn't someone having to give me a ride because I wasn't allowed to drive and waiting around, this wasn't someone filming for a media piece, this wasn't someone showing up thinking that my pushing them away wasn't sincere. This was my fiancee invited, awkwardly welcome at a theoretically minimally invasive procedure.

A few days before her, Kiana and I went to climb Enchanted Rock, a park that I'd never made it to. I had once attempted to go with two cancer survivors but it was closed. Now I was going with family and we discussed going on a guided tour but ended up climbing it ourselves in almost drizzly weather. We got to the top and then started to descend in a way that wasn't exactly on my agenda. We went down a cave which got smaller than opened, than another one which got even smaller and seemed to open up less. I'm claustrophobic and there were sections where my breathing was more disturbed than when I'm doing a track workout. I reminded myself, pretending that it was directed at Kiana that you don't let fears get in the way of adventure. There were moments of relief where there was a clear out somewhere in the way so at least I knew I could climb out far more efficiently than you got in and we kept going for over an hour, squeezing until we got to a place where Elaine and I literally no longer physically fit. Kiana was still able to go a little further but came back. Her fearlessness somehow deeply encourages and scares me so often. 

A hike down where Elaine would slip and almost go head first except for getting lodged by a rock and a climb where Kiana also had a bit of a panic getting down the side of the mountain made to where everyone had fair scares, scrapes and bruised or bloody body parts. How can you not love people like that who did all that and walked on smiling? 

Getting ready for the Decker Challenge that we put on and getting ready for an MRI on the same week makes for interesting head space so that was a good way to start the week. Self awareness is not a quality I lack so I know that somehow both of those stressors help me focus on my strengths and also make my bad habits a little worse. My track workout was one of the best I've had in a while with me singing some fun songs in the middle of 800's. My chocolate consumption, not my best habit but not one I'll give up, was higher than usual. And a questionable approach at best, engaging in online political debate on people who I have higher expectations of than cheap shots was also one I engaged disproportionately too much of the last few days. 

It's the coldest rainiest weather we've had here in a while but if there's one entirely healthy coping mechanisms is running so I went and did it in the rain. Kiana did it too and made a drawing of her run in the weather declaring that the smile on it was what we call artistic license. Appears she's picked up her dad's humor coping mechanism. But as I got ready to go to bed on a cold rainy wet night I thought of lyrics from the song the previous entry was plagiarized from and that are quoted about, we dream in the dark for the most part.

The dark hadn't stopped us from running or climbing or dreaming. So rather than entirely sit and think about the next morning, we sat and picked out some potential songs for the wedding. The truth is it's our hope that it won't be much like a wedding in many ways but just a party that happens to include one. But the wedding coordinator had sent a well timed email about be thinking about songs that you want to dance to or enter to etc so I started letting my mind go there instead of entirely about the dye that would go into it in the morning. (By the way, what songs are fun to dance to at a wedding in your book? I'm open to suggestions). Invariably some sad or worrisome songs got played to acknowledge all emotions but I think the hopeful ones won. 

Elaine came with me to this morning's MRI. She got to see the amazing medical clothes I get to wear which encouraged me ask the tech a wink-n-the-eye question about which one of us had the better outfit and can you believe the tech said her? I guess I gotta get used to that before the wedding. It was a new tech doing the bloodwork who asked me which arm; I hadn't thought about it in so long because the other one always did my right arm and I said I don't care. She did my left arm... which was a mistake because I look away but the stuff they're going to use is all next to my right arm so looking away still reminded me of those needles I dread. I closed my eyes and went to the dark. 

During the MRI itself Elaine was in the room. For a guy whose claustrophobic isn't it great being stuck in a tube where they tie you down but hey they put a little mirror so you can look out. I actually generally don't because it's just a window to the tech that also sort of reflects back to you. But this time, Elaine was in the line of vision and reflection and I couldn't help but think of that I was seeing her seeing me in a blanket in a machine. The tech had said that it was good that she could see something that was going to be part of my life. I thought of that as I sat in there. I thought of wedding dancing songs. I started working on my annual 8 year's resolutions (one of the 3 I'm already absolutely committed to is no longer engaging in any online political conversations). On those conversations people don't often make progress because they aren't really listening and therefore can't fully understand. I don't expect Elaine or Kiana or someone who hasn't gone through cancer to have all of the same association just as there are some things I won't fully understand parts of being female but we do I think fully listen and thus have a very meaningful connection.

The tests are done... now it's the long wait till the results tomorrow. Still going with the superstitious approach that 8 won't betray me and getting the results tomorrow are all but guaranteed by just having it on that day. But then again my biopsy started back on November 8, 2010. Still, for the first time ever, the techs who did know me were introduced to Elaine for the first time. I joked with them that as much as I like them, I don't miss them at all. But when it was done, they said something they've never said before. Usually they say good luck or good to see you or something innocuous but they said oh it'll be a good scan and we probably won't see you again for six months. I don't do hubris but I live by hope which they added a little more to in my soul even while the dye that they use to create contrast is still rolling around in my stomach. Still, I renewed my license this week and see how little people say I've changed in almost a dozen years between the pictures makes me wish that the tumor follows the example of my face, could use a lot of improvement, has some wrinkles but doesn't change very drastically for at least a couple of decades. 

It's still cold and it's still rainy and I'll repeat my oft said joke that I'd say the suspense is killing me but if something's killing me it's probably not the suspense. But no matter how it goes, I promise myself, her, and anyone whose listening that I'm absolutely committed to taking those dreams from the dark and putting them in the light for longer than tomorrow. At most MRI's if I was thinking that way I'd honestly be saying dream with me but at this one I'm saying dream with us. And if things get a little darker with tomorrow's results, we will take it like Van Gogh's starry night and add some dark dreamy chocolate.  

Friday, December 1, 2017

The Room Where STD's Happen

I'm a week out from results which means I'm six days out from the next MRI. Invariably I'm nervous... I like to live life as a hopeful romantic but often end up as a cynical optimism if any of that makes sense. How do you not step into the room that has the same type of machine that led to the awareness of cancer, the same type of machine that they used on you right before brain surgery, the same damned machine that they tested you after seizures and pretend it is no big deal? I am aware, I KNOW that I'm not on top of my game when those are nearby. My hoping and coping mechanisms are thrown off and while it's against my religion to have bad days, those are the days I come closest to sin.

A consistent thing I detest that happens on those days besides the machine is bloodwork. They always test for STD's because I always forget which ones, but apparently certain sexually transmitted diseases show up in the brain and if anything new shows up they want to know it's cancer not that. Is that supposed to be comforting? When the results come in they consistently say 'no new std's'  I joke if there are any old ones they aren't telling me about. It tells you something that I go to them alone, inviting almost no one in over 7 years of dealing with this brain cancer tumor. Reminded of my vulnerability and mortality, I try to protect other people from it (or is it myself I'm really trying to protect?). It tells you something that Elaine, the girl who is now my fiancee has never been allowed to come with me but the only people who have been properly invited since brain surgery are my brothers and daughter. I guess it was the people who were already stuck with me that I had to let in and this girl is now deciding to figure out the 'in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse and till death do us part' should be let in. Those vows mean something rich in this situation. Our wedding won't be very traditional by any standard but I hope we figure out a way to work that in verbally but I have faith it will be true in at least life.

But Elaine's finally invited and coming to this MRI. We can call it the rehearsal dinner in its own way. I proposed before the hardest and messiest and coldest race I've done all year. And she said yes and we got it done. My gender often idealizes women to be guiding forces or damsels in distress. The reason I'm fortunate enough to be marrying her is because this will be a partnership of equals even if we are nowhere near exactly the same. The inspiration for the proposal came from a dream but it got reinforced when reading something CS Lewis said about women: “The romantic chivalric tradition takes...the young man's eye off women as they are, as companions in shipwreck not guiding stars.” I'm asking for her company at a time I know I'm a wreck while there is imaging being done on the damaged rudder to see if its anymore broken. But unlike I've done in over two years of dating I'm finally growing up to invite her to be in the room where it happens.

We've been there for messes before, some fun ones like Spartans or last week with her first attempt at the beer mile where she thought about quitting and I said we don't take quitting in this family. She had to take a penalty lap for not getting all her beer properly drank but I joined her for both parts of it (I took 2nd place in the beer mile... not sure what it says that the only two local events I've always placed in are the stroller division and the beer mile). With obstacles or bloated stomachs or IV's in the arms and metal in the brain, it's not all fun and games but maybe you find a way to smile at the beginning points in the middle and hopefully at least one good in the end. We managed that in the beer mile; but even sober I dream that smile won't ever fully fade. Apparently while drunk that weekend, I got teary eyed and voiced how this year's Turkey Trot with Kiana's PR meant to me more than any of the stroller wins. I wrote that a few days ago so it was true then and if my true persona is one that finally lets a few more sentiments be physically honest, that's not the worst way to handle alcohol in my book.

Those are the type of things that I hope to be thinking about while a machine is whirring around me. Kiana drew the engagement ring and added her own little element on to it, a dandy lion. I'm not sure how hope gets any better. It's because we'll finally have a very intimate date together  with me inside of a machine while Elaine's outside of the other room that lets me forward to a wedding date. The date has been set on 8/18/18. People think its because I was born 8/8/80 which is partly but Elaine picked it, literally one upping my birth. But 8 is also lucky in Chinese culture which is where her heritage is from. We're figuring out the details of the Save the Date Cards and I'll be thinking about that ceremony and it's details while my brain is being scanned. I've started calling them STD cards for shorts so on that side there will definitely be a way I get STD's into some people's mailboxes and homes relatively soon. We've been figuring out the invite list. It's not a huge venue but either way well... we won't be inviting anyone by obligation. But in a world where we have lots of friends the criterion we decided on was that we would invite people who we'd shared time at one or the other's home in. There are people who we're friends with because they're a similar speed or people we've worked with who are good to chat with but did we ever have a relationship in 'our own time'. If that's not true, those in my book are probably not the right people for our wedding invites.
I want to share the special occasions for those who share the ordinary times, the rest of my life with the person who handles me at my most primal fear or intensity. Turns out that those are just gradients on the scale of the wedding and the wedding invite list. So if you don't get an STD from us, don't be offended, I mean trust me having seen it after so many MRI's, the medical world thinks that new STD's would be bad.

However, it goes, who knows what it will interrupt but it is perhaps a sign that the universe has given me that I have till Monday, 3 days before the MRI and 4 days before the results that I have to land a deposit on the wedding venue we picked out. And it will, if all things are stable, have at least one more MRI before the wedding could occur. I proposed with a hope band, the medal one that also is 'hope'ful will arrive in a little while. I grew up in a country with napoleonic code and Napoleon said at least one thing I want to to echo in my marriage and my MRI: "Courage is like love; it must have hope for nourishment." Both are the best nourished they've ever been.